True Balance Life Coaching

“Forgiving someone does not mean you condone their behavior. The act of forgiveness takes  place in your own mind. It really has nothing to do with the other person. The reality of true forgiveness lies in setting ourselves free from holding on to the pain. It is simply an act of releasing yourself from the negative energy.” - Louise Hay

My heart is open and cautiously optimistic as I share this extremely personal post. My hope is to support those of you who may have a shared a similar experience and wish to move forward with a new life story.

Last week I summoned the courage to reconnect with my biological Dad after almost ten years estranged. In the Summer of 2002 after witnessing an unpleasant incident between he and his wife,  I experienced an out-of-body emotional crisis. I found myself in a metaphorical boxing ring and my opponent was surely going down for the count. Every boundary crossed, every trauma suffered from my youth came pouring out of me. Unfiltered. Ugly. Truth. That night I made the choice to protect myself and my young daughter from the unpredictable and twisted behavior of a charismatic, Jeckel and Hyde character who happened to be my Dad.  

Over the years I’ve been judged critically for walking away from this relationship. Because it’s not politically correct to sever ties to your father. I don’t subscribe to political correctness. Never have. And so it was that I found the courage to walk away from a toxic relationship to heal, learn and grow. To become an adult and begin making healthy choices in my best interest.

I don’t like my Dad much. I don’t agree with the way he lives his life. I do not appreciate how often he once put his young daughter in harms way. I do not care for his politics or the way racism seeps through every pore of his being. As a child I did not understand his alcohol-fueled, violent outbursts. And finally, I am still taken back by his irreverent attitude toward relationships, parenting and marriage. (I was step-daughter to four step-mother’s by the time I turned 30.)  I’ve learned that I don’t have to like my Dad. I don’t have to agree with the way he chooses to live his life.  I have no more expectations of him at all. I am willing to try and find a thread of common ground.

The only way to truly let go of the parts of my childhood that were traumatic is to forgive him for his harmful and oblivious actions.  Not in the manner of a holier-than-though, “I forgive you” from on-high, but in the manner that I choose to enjoy the rest of my days without dragging the trauma of my past with me. Today I am strong enough to stop punishing my Dad for his behavior and courageous enough to take a chance and face him.  

No matter how I feel about him, no matter the countless experiences of being frightened and completely exposed, I turned out okay.  I am alright.  I am the woman I am today because of my life experiences, some of which have to do with being parented on the weekends by a man who probably should have never had a child.    

Compassionate forgiveness begins with personal healing. There is deep restorative work that must be attended to, whether through counseling or with support from loved ones. For years I pretended to be so strong. Invincible. What I really felt inside was insecure, angry and betrayed.

This deep feeling of vulnerability bubbled to the surface after I became a parent. Things would be different for my daughter. Interesting that it didn’t occur to me that I had the choice to walk away from my Dad until I became a Mother. I instinctively knew to protect my child from his unpredictable madness. In choosing to protect her, I learned to protect and care for myself.

Honest introspection is the best place to start the healing process. I began by finding my voice and speaking about the trauma of the past. I journaled about why I was hurt, angry, confused and finally done. I talked with my husband, Mother and best friend. It was time to attend to the root cause of this suffering.  Reliving dreadful memories (which felt like cleaning up tiny shards of broken glass) sucked. But I came away understanding that the maltreatment experienced as a child and young adult was the foundation for feeling unsafe and skeptical of others in my adulthood. Learning to trust again is a blessing. Knowing that all is well and I am safe, a precious gift.

For eleven years I’ve had the privilege of witnessing first-hand the behavior of a Father with complete integrity. My husband of almost twenty years is an incredible Father and role model to our young daughter. His behavior demonstrates a new healthy parenting story. Our child will grow up knowing she is loved, safe and supported. Together we have broken the chain of abuse in our family and practice non-violent communication. 

I understand that no matter what I think, feel or want, my Dad is free to create his world as he wishes. He will never be a parent to his grown daughter, but I can show him some compassion as a human being who’s walked through his own fire.   

Remaining attached to the pain and anger that comes with surviving child abuse could have been a life-long prison sentence. I choose to be free. I choose to let go of the story.   

As I enter back into the matrix of this biological connection, I will protect my inner child with sword and shield. Facing my Dad after all this time is a gamble I’m willing to make on my terms.

And so it is.